Thursday, January 04, 2018
Today I am grateful for Alt Mary. She was on a roll today, I’ll tell you that much! With Verizon tech support. The why’s or wherefores of why I needed to call them are not important. Here’s how that little experience went.
Me: Hello, I’d like some help with a Verizon wireless account.
Her: I’d be happy to help you with that. Could I have your PIN please.
Me: You see I don’t have the PIN. I tried ever y PIN I could think of before talking with you and none of them are correct.
Her: If you could just give me your PIN then I will be so happy to help you.
Me: Are you able to hear?
Alt Mary: Put the frigging SCRIPT down and actually listen to my voice. I’m speaking clearly and I haven’t even called you a bad name. . .yet!
Her: Yes, ma’am, I hear you. So if you’ll just give me your PIN.
Me: LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY. I-DO-NOT-HAVE-MY-PIN!!!!!
Her: I’d be happy to help you with that.
Me: Good, I’ll give you my account number.
Her: No, ma’am, I’ll need the PIN for security reasons.
Alt Me: Are you kidding me?
Her: Do you have access to a computer? I can help you reset your PIN.
Me: Yes, hang on.
Alt Mary: Now I gotta scramble around like an idiot because of some stupid system that was created to make my life easier and instead it feels like Hell and the flames are licking at my ass.
Her: Are you still there, ma’am?
Me: Yes. I’m ready.
Her: Go to blah, blah, blah and push blah, blah, blah and type in the cell number and PIN.
Me: I don’t have the PIN.
Alt Mary: Am I having a seizure? A stroke? What is her problem?
Her: Oh yes, that’s right, so go to blah, blah, blah and there will be instructions to have them send you a new PIN.
Me: Okay. I did that. But they are sending it to the phone that I no longer have!
Her: Yes, that’s right. They will send it to that phone number.
Me: I don’t have that phone anymore, which is why I’m calling you. Can they email it to me?
Her: No ma’am. That would not be secure.
Alt Mary: Yeah, I get it. This is a way better way to do it. And by the way, jackass, that phone never had texting on it anyway so even if I did have it I couldn’t get the PIN. Go stick your head in a bucket of ice water right now.
Me: I’ve tried it five times and there is no way to do it without the PIN.
Her: That’s correct. Please check the phone and give me that PIN.
Alt Mary: This is the exact reason why none of these people have offices nearby. I would drive through a blizzard to punch her in the face like Chevy Chase did with the Moose at Wally World in the movie “National Lampoon’s Vacation”!
Me: I have no PIN. I can’t get a PIN. Help me without one.
Her: I cannot access your account without a PIN. You will have to go to a Verizon store. But not just any store that sells equipment. It must be a full-service store.
Alt Mary: Located in Bangladesh, right?!
Me: Oh never mind!
Her: And was I able to help you today?
Alt Mary: Help my blood pressure medicine work overtime. That’s about all.
Me: It doesn’t even matter anymore. I’ve aged so much during this call I’m too old to care.
That last line was both me and Alt Mary in a twisted, Hitchcockian way. I’m not taking a shower tonight! Or feeding birds! Or climbing a high tower. But I’ll be at the Verizon Store tomorrow. See you in Bangladesh!