Shut Up!

a no talking slogan

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Today I am grateful I know when to shut up!  I know I should be polite and say “be quiet” but I am beyond being polite about this subject.  I love to talk and I make no excuses for that passion.  But when I am at a movie theater, or even more important, any LIVE event, I shut up.  You will barely hear a peep out of me, I swear.  Maybe a titter during applause but otherwise NOTHING.  I SHUT UP!


We went to our granddaughters dance recital last night and the dancing was brilliant.  Really, really good.  She was in five dances and I didn’t even know she was taking tap, my favorite.  It was clear by the costumes, choreography and lighting, that enormous effort was taken to make this a good show.  And it was great.


That said, I swear I was ready to choke the life out of a few morons by the time we left.  Not only did all of the people in the row behind us talk while children were performing, they talked in a full voice!  No whispers for these folks, who are obviously the most important people on the planet.  And they weren’t the only ones.  Almost everyone was talking and texting and otherwise being rude.


“Ya got any gum?” one guy asked.  Then they asked it down the row, “Ma, you got gum?” next one, “Hey Jen, Joey wants ta know if  ya got any gum?” “No, ask Danny”, “Hey Dan ya got some gum?”  I had gum.  And I was ready to shove it up their collective asses!


Look, I know I should have probably said something, but I was giving them the evil eye and that did nothing and these folks looked like they coulda been packing.  I made a judgement call.  What is the protocol at something like this?  Are parents and kids just supposed to be allowed to run wild?  The dancers were in and out.  The parents were in and out.  It was chaos.  There was as much activity in the audience as there was on stage.


Then. . .oh no, I’m not done, yet. . .I’m barely getting started.  There was a seat empty next to me and we were in the second row up from the wide cross aisle in the theater.  Sort of a balcony.   A man came in and sat against the wall in the seat next to the empty one.  Great, I thought. I love the extra room.  Fugetaboutit.  Soon his wife was handing their two daughters over the people in front and when the first dance number started she had to sidle in to the end of the row and sit in the seat next to me.  Four people, two seats.  I might as well have been on a flight from Jakarta because she kept flipping her hair enough to brush my arm and face.


Look, I’m a large woman and theater seats are not always friendly to my ass, so I’m very conscious to let the arm rests go to others and keep myself, TO myself.  Not this skinny bitch.  She was rude and all over my personal space.  She was also talking out loud and so were her kids. . .and hopping up and down.  It’s a live performance nimrod!  Shut the hell up!   I elbowed her, nudged her and moved my leg over so her kid would stop kicking me but she didn’t pick up on any of it.  Totally clueless.


Speaking of kicking. . .I warned you I wasn’t done. . .the obnoxious row of jabberwokies left at intermission (prayers answered-albeit also rude) and were replaced by an unescorted boy of about eight years old.  When a dance number started, he kicked the back of my seat hard enough to make a noise.  Okay he was in rhythm or he’d be dead, but by then I’d had enough.  I foolishly thought he might not be packing so I said, “Please stop kicking my seat!”  Out loud. He couldn’t pretend he hadn’t heard.


So he kicked the one next to me.  I still have power in my evil eye with a kid and he stopped. Where have common courtesy and manners gone?  If I can shut up anyone can!  Act right!  Teach your kids!  Or stay home!  Would a jury of my peers convict me?

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