Today I am grateful for plus-sized women’s catalogues. Finding a dress for my son’s wedding is going to send me to the looney bin. And maybe you right along with me because I can’t seem to shut up about it!
I feel a considerable amount of shame and embarrassment at having gained back a lot of the weight I lost a few years ago. If I’m being honest with myself. . .and you. . .I believe that is a big reason why I don’t want to go shopping, besides hating it in general. Never mind there is simply nothing dressy on the racks bigger than a size 12! Nothing! It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. It’s frustrating.
But it’s ridiculous and also pointless to beat myself up because no purpose will be served in doing so. Every day I work at making better food choices. Some days I do great, some days not so much. But I refuse to stop trying. It is what it is. I have never felt defined by my size, because there is soooooo much more to me than hips and floppy arms and I know it! I am really NOT self-deprecating here. I like me! I LOVE me! I think I’m great! I don’t have a self-esteem issue. But I can’t ignore the facts either. The weight is here. It’s okay. But today’s body still has to fit into something. Jeans or sweats won’t work. It won’t be much different by March even if I don’t eat a morsel between now and then. And I still want to look special.
A friend brought over a bunch of catalogues and as soon as she left I studied them like I was going to be quizzed. I even memorized the size chart. Who says I’m no good at math? To think that a size 12 & 14 are now plus-sized is ridiculous. Even in large ladies catalogues, most of the women have perfect figures. When you buy something and try it on you look like a schlump because you are not them. They are in perfect proportion and you are a puffy pear. Fabric never pulled across their ass because they don’t have one! It’s very, very frustrating. And probably false advertising!
One of the catalogues was from a place I never heard of. I flipped the new catalogue open to the second page and there was a woman. . .an absolutely gorgeous woman, spectacularly beautiful. . .with a shape exactly like mine. She was not in proportion being clearly heavy in the “base”! She was not photo-shopped down to an “appropriate” size. She still had a waist, albeit larger, and curves everywhere. Lots! I burst into tears. Really. Like a lunatic who just got bitch-slapped! Full-out-meltdown! She is my new hero. She is the largest person in the catalogue and the bravest person I’ve ever seen. I love her. I’m going to call her Lola. “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets!”
I’ve been pretty clear about hating shopping for my entire life, even when I wasn’t this side of “plus”. From now on it will be plus-sized women’s catalogues and I don’t care if I have to order six dresses to find one that fits. I’m not stopping until I look breathtakingly gorgeous. . .just like Lola! God bless her. . .and me!