Today I am grateful for fried grease. Ah, there’s the old Mary you know and love! This is a sarcasm warning, so if you don’t like sarcasm, better go read the newspaper.
We took one of our granddaughters and her friend to the Musik Fest in Bethlehem, PA last night. The girls got quite an education. Or was it me? How many tattoos can the human body actually hold? Depends on the size of the body. Can a man with that many piercings get on a plane or does it throw the controls into a metalica frenzy and affect the magnetic pull of a gravitational force? Do that many people still smoke cigarettes? Cigars? Yuk! Just because they make an artichoke green, diaphanous, backless, almost frontless, handkerchief hemmed, see-through dress in a size 28 and it’s tight on you (I’m not kidding), do you really think you should where it in public? Oh my.
Musik Fest is famous for its “characters” and unusual foods, none of which have nutritional ingredients listed anywhere because there is no nutrition, at all, in any of it. For some reason, someone, sometime, decided that Oreos and Twinkies weren’t fattening enough. . .so they threw batter on them and dumped them in not-quite-hot-enough-grease. Yea. At Musik Fest you can get the following battered and fried: bananas, pickles, grilled cheese sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, wieners, onions. I’m probably forgetting something. Are you retching, yet?
The girls decided they had to try fried Oreos and Twinkies. I grew up on grease. How bad can it be? I’ll tell you. Bad. Disgusting. Gross. Seriously. I had one small bite of each and it was too many. The Oreos were better than the Twinkie, but not by much. The filling in the Twinkie, which is the best part, totally disappears when it’s drowned in batter and grease. Totally. What’s the point without the white filling? This junk could survive a nuclear holocaust. May that would make it better. I don’t have to moisturize my face today because the grease is oozing out of my pores. . .from only two tiny bites. Honest.
I have a suggestion. If you feel tempted to try a fried Twinkie, first go to the store. Buy your own Twinkie. Sit down in a comfortable chair, with the beverage you feel goes best with a Twinkie. Unwrap that sucker. Don’t throw the wrapper away, yet. Give that Twinkie a good eyeballing. Smell it. Feel its sponginess. Look at the bottom where the three white dots assure you that there is oopy white filling. Take another whiff, then a small bite. Savor it. Become one with it. Repeat until you’ve licked your fingers and dabbed up every crumb. Lick the cellophane wrapper. You know you want to. You will enjoy it infinitely more than if it were FRIED! Trust me on this.
It was a heavy-walking, steamy, noisy, night of experiences and we had a blast. I am grateful we tried the fried grease stuff. Now we know. It’s my responsibility to enlighten you. In the name of science. You’re welcome.